future-perfect

Perception is a funny thing. This time last year I was sitting in Basingstoke hospital cafe eating a poor baked potato and beans. It was my last meal until who knew when! At that point my mortality was rather too defined and the possibility, small but possibility nonetheless, that death was nipping at my heels.

Today I went for a run and it ocurred to me running emphasises a belief that I am outrunning death. The fact of the matter is that we are all closest to death today that at any point in our lives so far.  I dont mean that to sound gloomy. Our lives are enriched by the knowledge of limited time and we are possibly the only species that live this way.. I think I feared enjoyment for years thinking if I was happy it would only be taken away so why have the pain? My perception of life was killing me and I didnt even know it. Since initial diagnosis when for a time it appeared that everything was being taken away I no longer have that fear.

Perception is reality.... although taken to extreme takes you to the funny farm! Most of the time most of us perceive a wide open future full of good possibilities. Many of us wait until tomorrow to do things because there are loads of tomorrows. We dont dwell on the possibility of being shot, run over or dropping down dead as that happens to Other people and you cant live with that fear. 

The fact of the matter is I still have cancer but I dont fear it.  My perception is that it wont kill me today or tomorrow but probably one of those other tomorrows in the wide open future. The fact of the matter is that 2011 has been a very good year. I learned to live and I learned that a life lived well will lead to a good death. I cant wait for an unpromised tomorrow and I wont waste time looking for the only one that is promised. The fact of the matter is a matter of perception.

Numbers of the week.

16 is the number of years John has been treating some of his cancer patients. Thats a worthy goal.

50 (and 60) .. the two decades of a life where the chances of dying in the coming year are the lowest. I look forward to 50.

one more - 2 emails this week from clients. One from AM and NB telling me how much they enjoy my classes....and this is coming from people who have been to lots of classes over the years and plenty to compare with. Apparently my classes are better than pre op!

Another from two clients I taught for 6 years but havent been able to do for last two. They are both somewhere in their sixties and now meet 3x a week and practice together doing a very thorough and quite advanced routine. I am very pleased that they learned enough to take responsibility and trust themselves.

Now I know I am tooting my own horn, but Im allowed to, so toot toot!

The recent misty mornings reminded me that this time last year I knew I was having surgery and it was a case of counting down the days whilst trying to enjoy xmas and new year. this year I can see the looming shadow of my first scan coming over the horizon. Trying not to dwell too much. Thought I would confront it head on and get it done before xmas but they said it would be a two week wait for results. The waiting is too much like last year and I want a good xmas without fear and expectation so January it will be. Until then I suppose I can say I am still clear, health is good, and the little things that are odd are what might be a new normal.

Sometimes I can see my colon move! You know the scene in Alien where it bursts through John Hurts chest??? That gives you an idea. And I am sure my left waist is bigger than my right. But there are more organs on that side, and I have scoliosis so theres a whole lot of twisting going on still. Could they have missed a bit on my left? Possibly.

Had a Shiatsu training weekend where we looked at spleen and stomach meridiens. Despite no spleen my spleen energy appears to be very balanced. Mega! They say that the spleen likes stability and a home and touch.Every day I get home, I have my favourite place to sit and Scooter (cat) usually gets in the nook and cuddles in. I have a spleen replenish every day and Ive been doing this for years without knowing it. Home is very important; firstly in your body but then  with an external space. Although I dont own a space I think I have got this right.  Minimal and uncluttered but not hard and cold. I think carpets are due back in fashion....rubbish floorboards are not cool, shiny slidey leather sofas - NO, hard wearing rugs - WHY? get a plush one! 

Discovered a new herb called Astragalus. In 80% of mice with tumours it triggered off their Natural Killer cell tendency. Checked with John and of course hes got it covered as I knew he would.

Its like a little battery recharge every time! I cant wait to be able to offer this as a qualified practitioner. Its such an amazing way to work with people and so many benefits to be had, for both receiver and for giver. As a giver its got a lot of listening with eyes and hands so a little different to Pilates teaching. Big emphasis on connecting with breath and maintaining posture; its about finding balance between areas that draw you in and areas that resist. Its about flow - of breath, energy, blood. Its about being grounded and centred but clear and open. Its redistributing energy to areas that need support. Not only does it feel delicious to receive but with a good practitioner can be used to heal.

As a receiver for the last few months its amazing how much it has strengthened me by supporting my kidney energy. Stresses in my head or heart are dispersed and I always leave feeling refreshed, inspired and invigorated...and optimistic about the future. I have a future and am better equipped to deal with whatever comes.

I can already see how Shiatsu training is informing my teaching. And its taken 8 years and the realisation that what other people think doesnt matter, but I am finding my own "voice" in teaching.I guess I had a style but the voice is genuine as all my "things" are coming together through one practice.  I understand why I am doing it this way and I am confident that this is the right way for me and definitely for others.

I have a future. 3 years from now and I am teaching pilates and providing shiatsu and remain cancer free. Its not too much to ask is it?

Weird huh? About 6 years ago I saw a dentist who siad I had periodontitis with some pockets between gum and teeth 9 and 10mm deep! He said it was unusual in someone young but as we now know my genes are not the best. He expected those teeth to drop out within a year or so unless I did surgery. Anyway I moved house a few times, changed or went without dentists and havent seen him again until today.

My pockets have shrunk to 6mm and 4mm in places. I have to say thats a one in a million chance (again) as in all his years of dentistry he has never seen deep pockets reverse.

I can tell him why. Antioxidants. Green tea, berries, low carbs / sugar, herbs and acupuncture. He was agreed that antioxidants made a difference but most people wouldnt make dietary changes and end up with surgery, implants or no teeth!. My antioxidants were for cancer but have had an amazing side effect.

I am really chuffed. At best I thought they might be the same as they havent fallen out and seem ok. But the important thing is that good teeth need good gums and that means good blood. Chinese medicine takes Blood very seriously to the point of capitalising the B. So what my teeth tell me today is my health is improved. Good timing since two days ago was the anniversary of my first diagnosis.

Is a place of gloom sometimes. I was looking for some info on pseudo, as one does, and started scrolling through google finding myself to drawn to words like "invariably", "fatal", "recurrence", "difficult to remove all traces". Thats quite depressing potentially and is it right? I found one thing that said the average age was 59 and that was all the commonalitiy they could find amongst cases. Everyone Ive spoken to on the forum is thirties and forties, but maybe the older generation dont go on forums? I think it can be ignored though. Even though it was in The Lancet it appeared to be written in 1969!

Back to now and what I understand.

Full cytoreduction has better outcome than debulking.

HIPEC is better to be had than not.

Full removal as far as can be seen is better than leaving residual traces.

Benign end of spectrum has better prognosis than malign end.

Add that to one individual who exercises, gets acupunctured on a regular basis, shiatsued on occasion, who monitors diet, drinks the horrible bud mix, the powdery mushrooms and the sludgy herbs.......doesnt that make a difference?

Caught myself feeling happy yesterday. Now Im worried!