Pin cushion
Five bloody vein peircings!! I have collapsible and super mobile veins it seems as they squirm away from needle. After two near faints (and im not squeamish at all) and many veins and different staff; scans and bloods are done! now we wait!January 2012
Moas-versary
One year ago today! Time flies. Am enjoying consciousness.January 2012
Perceptions
Perception is a funny thing. This time last year I was sitting in Basingstoke hospital cafe eating a poor baked potato and beans. It was my last meal until who knew when! At that point my mortality was rather too defined and the possibility, small but possibility nonetheless, that death was nipping at my heels.
Today I went for a run and it ocurred to me running emphasises a belief that I am outrunning death. The fact of the matter is that we are all closest to death today that at any point in our lives so far. I dont mean that to sound gloomy. Our lives are enriched by the knowledge of limited time and we are possibly the only species that live this way.. I think I feared enjoyment for years thinking if I was happy it would only be taken away so why have the pain? My perception of life was killing me and I didnt even know it. Since initial diagnosis when for a time it appeared that everything was being taken away I no longer have that fear.
Perception is reality.... although taken to extreme takes you to the funny farm! Most of the time most of us perceive a wide open future full of good possibilities. Many of us wait until tomorrow to do things because there are loads of tomorrows. We dont dwell on the possibility of being shot, run over or dropping down dead as that happens to Other people and you cant live with that fear.
The fact of the matter is I still have cancer but I dont fear it. My perception is that it wont kill me today or tomorrow but probably one of those other tomorrows in the wide open future. The fact of the matter is that 2011 has been a very good year. I learned to live and I learned that a life lived well will lead to a good death. I cant wait for an unpromised tomorrow and I wont waste time looking for the only one that is promised. The fact of the matter is a matter of perception.
January 2012
About Me
future-perfectHi I am a 42 year old pilates teacher, cat lover, sister, and a sometimes dizzy but often lucid thinker and talker. I am also a cancer survivor. Specifically a rather rare type of cancer called Pseudomyxoma peritoneii or less medical name jelly belly. I set up this blog when I was diagnosed in October 2010 mainly as a way of keeping my friends up to date, venting my frustration initially and then as a way to record my journey through this unique, sometimes scary, often absurd event. I hope that others going through the same thing may be reassured to read about someone who has had the full cytoreductive surgery and come out the other side in a very positive place.
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