future-perfect

I couldnt help thinking of my friend Rob. He spent 2 years waiting for a lung and heart transplant when we were in our 20s. He was as prepared as you could ever be waiting for a beeper to go off at any time but i suppose when it happened all he could do was follow instructions. A bit mission impossible. I was with him when the beeper sounded and we were both a bit shocked that the moment was finally here. He had waited for so long and weirdly his symptoms were like  mine now - an increasing abdominal distension that inhibited his movements. Much more so than mine as his problem was primarily breathing and the abdominal part was a secondary symptom.

Anyway we rushed off to Harefield ( or some obscure specialist place in the middle of nowhere) and I remember feeling bad that I didnt stay with him. But they said they had lots of prep to do and there was no point so we said goodbye and I left. Well his body didnt like the new heart and lungs and rejected it straight away and that was that! We didnt see him again and there was no "after the op" moment.

It was strange and shocking that he could be so abruptly removed from the world. Although it makes no difference he was a good person, talented and kind, and he tolerated his condition with good grace for a long time. We know that means nothing but it wasnt right that someone with so much potential never got the chance to fulfil it. His friends went separate ways after that but I was glad I got to see him last - he was as ready as you could ever be. If he could manage that then, I can manage this now.

Thank heavens for Pilates! had achy back for past few days due to either lack of normal movement - partly down to xmas slovenlyness (is that a word) partly down to the unwelcome obstruction. However have laid on a foam roller, done a some lovely hip rolls, spine curls and lying over a ball stretching with the help of gravity. Have an unbudegable knot in my back and would like massage but read somewhere that massage is contra indicated for cancer. Must investigate this further.....guess it has something to do with bloodstream and circulation?????

Del - I am hoping to be queen bee of basingstoke! Im hoping that so soon after xmas most people want to be with their families so maybe it will be quiet there and I can be star attraction. They could have marvelled at my six pack a few months ago; now i hope they can marvel at a perfect colon. I hope they are fully sober as well so soon after new year!!

I am fully expecting my pilates breathing to come into its own here as well. As they strip the diaphragm it can cause breathing problems. There is also a possiblity of small airways collapsing due to lack of use post surgery. The fact that I have maximised my lung potential for so long must make this less likely.

oh and yet another note about gps lack of knowledge....i saw a new gp a couple of weeks ago and she prescribed  iron sulphate tablets for anaemia because i told her i was anaemic (according to blood test in sept). When i thought about this later anaemia is caused by lack of iron or folic acis or b12 or combi of all 3 so I wondered why she has given me just this one without testing me? I mentioned this to the clinical nurse specialist at basingstoke who checked the blood test they did and she confirmed that my haemoglobin count was normal and Im not anaemic at all!

Firstly - never trust a doctor! Every time they have let me down with their assumptions and lack of interest or willingness to check. When I was a kid the local gp told my mum repeatedly that her continual headache and vomiting was merely migraine. She would have died had my dad not over ruled him and took her to the hospital for tests where they operated the very next day on a brain tumour. My dad was told he had leukemia before he died of advanced prostate cancer.

Never trust a doctor! always ask questions, assume they know less than you and trust your gut!

On a more positive note - I was anaemic, now Im not. So something has improved; most likely my absorption. And what have I done differently - healthy diet, acupuncture and herbs - so proof that it works as far as I can see.

Today was the first day I started to feel D-Day moving closer. Theres Xmas, New Years and then one day in between before I will be in Basingstoke drinking fluids for  a day pre-op. It was scary as a concept, its even scarier as an approaching reality that cant be avoided. I am committed to letting them do this to me; am trying to remind myself they are doing it for me and its as good a chance as there is. For someone whos sense of themself has been very tied up with the body and bodily control the idea that I have to give my wholeself up mentally and physically for a few days is quite incomprehensible actually. I know people go through things like this all the time but I dont even get colds! I cant remember having had a sick day since I started teaching and that was over 7 years ago. (I did have "sick days" before that but that was due to boredom) Since teaching Ive not wanted to miss a class or let people down.

When I did my MA I tried to look deeper into the idea of the mind/body philosophical question through a dance topic. At a deeper level I was very intrigued by Heidegger and the idea of truth and authenticity specifically - the notion of being-in-a-world and be-ing in an embodied sense. Before I go to far up my own Douglas (note 1) the point is that whilst my philosophy degree pretty much got me nowhere, never earned me  a penny in a practical sense, and meant very little to other people on the whole; suddenly the mind body relationship and notions of Being take on a life and death importance. Or maybe they dont since we all live towards our death anyway......Who knew though that one day philosophy might have Meaning??????

Note one: Apparently a rectal exam can provide information about the state of your Douglas. No I dont know what it is either....Ill look it up another day (and thats look it up not look up it) if I still have a Douglas to think about!

On a lighter note; apologies to the neightbours if you are missing  a turkey leg! It seems little Brodie cannot wait until xmas and has helped herself overnight! ooops

Two things - who the hell is Kevin McAllister?

Second never juice an onion! I had to hang onto the loo and the sink at the same time and quickly down sheeps yoghurt followed by goats milk. Praise be to the animals for saving my stomach. Thats why we dont eat the little animals with their lovely faces!!

Craving sugar badly ... it is like a drug. Hopefully i get through my detox. its been a tiring week basically filling in paperwork for DLA which is clearly a form designed to trip people up so that they dont in fact get benefits they are entitled to. The intention is so obviously to find a way to withhold payments as the government clearly assume that everyone is  a benefit scrounger. People in need of money due to unforeseen circumstances should not have to jump through so many hoops so that some bod in an office can tick a checklist to see if you pass.

Picked up a prescription for drinks designed to make you put weight on; ingredients are water, sugar , milk protein and artificial flavours. This is prescribed by doctors and given to cancer patients. Are they trying to kill you? Obviously its cheap but incredibly unhealthy so I wont be doing that. I have discovered raw chocolate! Oh my God! How nice is raw chocolate particularly one brand called Conscious. It has no dairy and no sugar so is on the list of acceptables. I shall get my calories guilt free from this instead. At £3 a pop though I dont think the NHS will be prescribing it any time soon....sigh.

It occurs to me as I write this that I havent lost more weight I dont think. I dont have scales so have no way to know for sure but I think I am looking pretty damn healthy and I tell you what; if you are plagued with bad skin vegetable juice is the way forward. It makes a huge difference to how your skin  looks and I wish Id believed that when I was in my 20s. Never too late though!

Acupuncture finished this week for 2010 and I finished teaching today. I also have a will to write. Its only the end of another day, another week, another year....but not The end. Xmas shopping awaits for one thing and I will always have the energy and will to shop!

Will have the surgery Ive decided so farewell to my ovaries, uterus, appendix and spleen,. Maybe too much info but I have one period left to go..cant say I care much about that and with any luck the function that my ovaries may have served if Im lucky is that they got in the way of the tumour spreading to my small intestines.

I shall miss my navel though; it was a good one and its been with me a while and was well behaved as it never really collected fluff. Decided I would knit  a new one for after the op. Any suggestions on colour???

Loved all your messages and fantastic card. I didnt realise I had a catchphrase so am feeling a bit craig revel horwood right now daahh-lings;  and we'll leave it at that!

Click here to download:

juuice.mov (18 KB)

This juicer is THE best!  To all my fantastic clients - thank you for this. It does make the concept of juicing all the more appealing as I feel like Im operating some hi tech machinery and its all very industrial! Thanks Lucy for organising everyone and everything and anyone else who was involved. Im not privy to those emails but know that lots of people have made this possible and I am most grateful.

..or kisses of life. Cant explain, nor should I as I think it will lose its power; but John and Sophie did a healing for me today. The voice in my head was quiet for a while and there were vibrations - and thats all im gonna say! A damn fine day!

Interesting day following a GOOD nights sleep - no waking, no night sweats, no pain! Spoke to John acupuncturist yesterday about my willingness to have surgery and having faith in my bodys ability to cope with the aftermath ; compromised immune system, no protection for the liver once the capsule is removed....just a couple of biggies. And thats before you add in the fact that my hormones are going to go bonkers after a hysterectomy (where are those hormones gonna go actually?????)

I listen to what he says but its what he doesnt say that carries most importance. I considered last night the possibility of not having the surgery. If I could be brave enough to ask Brendan how long would I have without surgery and it was a year say, then would I be brave enough to say give me 4 months, let me follow my path and see where we are? Today Im not brave enough to ask either. But I saw John this morning and told him my question and got an amazing response. He kissed me on the cheek and suggested that the space for the answer would come. That to ask the question is because there has been a shift.

 I think that the shift is in my head...john uses the word "willing" and "letting" in relation to the surgery and it prompts me to think differently about my choices.

What I understand from the kiss is that he views the shift as being from my body and perhaps might be what constitutes "evidence" of change internally.

I could be wrong and I know I can be uber analytical.  But I have less than 4 weeks to see what other shifts occur and thats time and space to see what the answer will be!