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Perception is a funny thing. This time last year I was sitting in Basingstoke hospital cafe eating a poor baked potato and beans. It was my last meal until who knew when! At that point my mortality was rather too defined and the possibility, small but possibility nonetheless, that death was nipping at my heels.

Today I went for a run and it ocurred to me running emphasises a belief that I am outrunning death. The fact of the matter is that we are all closest to death today that at any point in our lives so far.  I dont mean that to sound gloomy. Our lives are enriched by the knowledge of limited time and we are possibly the only species that live this way.. I think I feared enjoyment for years thinking if I was happy it would only be taken away so why have the pain? My perception of life was killing me and I didnt even know it. Since initial diagnosis when for a time it appeared that everything was being taken away I no longer have that fear.

Perception is reality.... although taken to extreme takes you to the funny farm! Most of the time most of us perceive a wide open future full of good possibilities. Many of us wait until tomorrow to do things because there are loads of tomorrows. We dont dwell on the possibility of being shot, run over or dropping down dead as that happens to Other people and you cant live with that fear. 

The fact of the matter is I still have cancer but I dont fear it.  My perception is that it wont kill me today or tomorrow but probably one of those other tomorrows in the wide open future. The fact of the matter is that 2011 has been a very good year. I learned to live and I learned that a life lived well will lead to a good death. I cant wait for an unpromised tomorrow and I wont waste time looking for the only one that is promised. The fact of the matter is a matter of perception.

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Numbers of the week.

16 is the number of years John has been treating some of his cancer patients. Thats a worthy goal.

50 (and 60) .. the two decades of a life where the chances of dying in the coming year are the lowest. I look forward to 50.

one more - 2 emails this week from clients. One from AM and NB telling me how much they enjoy my classes....and this is coming from people who have been to lots of classes over the years and plenty to compare with. Apparently my classes are better than pre op!

Another from two clients I taught for 6 years but havent been able to do for last two. They are both somewhere in their sixties and now meet 3x a week and practice together doing a very thorough and quite advanced routine. I am very pleased that they learned enough to take responsibility and trust themselves.

Now I know I am tooting my own horn, but Im allowed to, so toot toot!

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The recent misty mornings reminded me that this time last year I knew I was having surgery and it was a case of counting down the days whilst trying to enjoy xmas and new year. this year I can see the looming shadow of my first scan coming over the horizon. Trying not to dwell too much. Thought I would confront it head on and get it done before xmas but they said it would be a two week wait for results. The waiting is too much like last year and I want a good xmas without fear and expectation so January it will be. Until then I suppose I can say I am still clear, health is good, and the little things that are odd are what might be a new normal.

Sometimes I can see my colon move! You know the scene in Alien where it bursts through John Hurts chest??? That gives you an idea. And I am sure my left waist is bigger than my right. But there are more organs on that side, and I have scoliosis so theres a whole lot of twisting going on still. Could they have missed a bit on my left? Possibly.

Had a Shiatsu training weekend where we looked at spleen and stomach meridiens. Despite no spleen my spleen energy appears to be very balanced. Mega! They say that the spleen likes stability and a home and touch.Every day I get home, I have my favourite place to sit and Scooter (cat) usually gets in the nook and cuddles in. I have a spleen replenish every day and Ive been doing this for years without knowing it. Home is very important; firstly in your body but then  with an external space. Although I dont own a space I think I have got this right.  Minimal and uncluttered but not hard and cold. I think carpets are due back in fashion....rubbish floorboards are not cool, shiny slidey leather sofas - NO, hard wearing rugs - WHY? get a plush one! 

Discovered a new herb called Astragalus. In 80% of mice with tumours it triggered off their Natural Killer cell tendency. Checked with John and of course hes got it covered as I knew he would.

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Its like a little battery recharge every time! I cant wait to be able to offer this as a qualified practitioner. Its such an amazing way to work with people and so many benefits to be had, for both receiver and for giver. As a giver its got a lot of listening with eyes and hands so a little different to Pilates teaching. Big emphasis on connecting with breath and maintaining posture; its about finding balance between areas that draw you in and areas that resist. Its about flow - of breath, energy, blood. Its about being grounded and centred but clear and open. Its redistributing energy to areas that need support. Not only does it feel delicious to receive but with a good practitioner can be used to heal.

As a receiver for the last few months its amazing how much it has strengthened me by supporting my kidney energy. Stresses in my head or heart are dispersed and I always leave feeling refreshed, inspired and invigorated...and optimistic about the future. I have a future and am better equipped to deal with whatever comes.

I can already see how Shiatsu training is informing my teaching. And its taken 8 years and the realisation that what other people think doesnt matter, but I am finding my own "voice" in teaching.I guess I had a style but the voice is genuine as all my "things" are coming together through one practice.  I understand why I am doing it this way and I am confident that this is the right way for me and definitely for others.

I have a future. 3 years from now and I am teaching pilates and providing shiatsu and remain cancer free. Its not too much to ask is it?

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Weird huh? About 6 years ago I saw a dentist who siad I had periodontitis with some pockets between gum and teeth 9 and 10mm deep! He said it was unusual in someone young but as we now know my genes are not the best. He expected those teeth to drop out within a year or so unless I did surgery. Anyway I moved house a few times, changed or went without dentists and havent seen him again until today.

My pockets have shrunk to 6mm and 4mm in places. I have to say thats a one in a million chance (again) as in all his years of dentistry he has never seen deep pockets reverse.

I can tell him why. Antioxidants. Green tea, berries, low carbs / sugar, herbs and acupuncture. He was agreed that antioxidants made a difference but most people wouldnt make dietary changes and end up with surgery, implants or no teeth!. My antioxidants were for cancer but have had an amazing side effect.

I am really chuffed. At best I thought they might be the same as they havent fallen out and seem ok. But the important thing is that good teeth need good gums and that means good blood. Chinese medicine takes Blood very seriously to the point of capitalising the B. So what my teeth tell me today is my health is improved. Good timing since two days ago was the anniversary of my first diagnosis.

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Is a place of gloom sometimes. I was looking for some info on pseudo, as one does, and started scrolling through google finding myself to drawn to words like "invariably", "fatal", "recurrence", "difficult to remove all traces". Thats quite depressing potentially and is it right? I found one thing that said the average age was 59 and that was all the commonalitiy they could find amongst cases. Everyone Ive spoken to on the forum is thirties and forties, but maybe the older generation dont go on forums? I think it can be ignored though. Even though it was in The Lancet it appeared to be written in 1969!

Back to now and what I understand.

Full cytoreduction has better outcome than debulking.

HIPEC is better to be had than not.

Full removal as far as can be seen is better than leaving residual traces.

Benign end of spectrum has better prognosis than malign end.

Add that to one individual who exercises, gets acupunctured on a regular basis, shiatsued on occasion, who monitors diet, drinks the horrible bud mix, the powdery mushrooms and the sludgy herbs.......doesnt that make a difference?

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Caught myself feeling happy yesterday. Now Im worried!

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Oh yeah baby...thats what Im talking about!

So whats the big deal? Well this is my spine (and me) in tiny tiny tiny incremental degrees of extension. Just about perceptible and if I may say so, looking good.

Why is this significant? Its a bit like keeping lip balm in your pocket. Its always there when needed and in general its rather handy to have well lubricated joints and a full range of motion at your disposal. An extendable spine is a healthy spine. I could not do this after surgery and its taken 8 months to get it back. So its a milestone along the path of recovery I guess. A landmark moment. I can stand tall, I can lift my chest.....(oooh a bit of chest thrusting may be useful for my fundraising idea; but I digress. More of that later!) Its a physical gesture that flicks the V's at cancer and says "I am still winning".

Martha Graham instructed her dancers to lift their hearts to heaven. I can do that Martha, and more.  I can quite literally lift my heart away from cancer. Where the body goes the head will follow and a positive mind leads to a healthy body. A very good day indeed!

(Thanks for the pic Amit... lets do more!!)

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I weigh 51.9kilos

I can run without stopping for 20 mins.

I can lift 2x 9K weights.

Things I am happy about: I will never have gallstones, I will never get appendicitis, I will probably never get fat, I will never have children (not happy about that but indifferent really.) I am happy that I live in the UK and happy that we have the NHS. I heard that in Brazil the MOAS is 35000 US dollars. I read Lionel Shriver's "So Much For That" and was even more relieved to have the NHS and  Brendan and his dream team.

I think the tax I have paid to date covered the costs of my surgery but I am pondering a fund raising mission within the next year. There are only two stipulations; my next scan needs to be clear and I will have to raise cash doing something out of my comfort zone. I have an idea brewing  though........

Tomorrow I go back to work! 8 months on and feeling good!

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.... But i am bigger than my cat who is now 7.1 kilos

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That is the question on my mind today. Have a holiday abroad booked for the first time in over two years and have one plan of action only. Lying in the sun and reading and people watching. The odd cocktail might go down well too. For someone who doesnt go to hot countries very often why do I have 4 bikinis? When I had a serious six pack a bikini was a breeze, but what now? Should I expose the scar and scare the kiddies....yeah why not! Might get myself some privacy around the pool. (The truth is that my blinding white skin will be the cause of more scares and stares but that always happens when Im surrounded by the brown and golden people to whom I will never belong.) Sigh... now wheres my fake tan?

Am feeling tired with studio move, too much lifting etc and my stomach aches from the effort BUT I feel good. My body is improving all the time and it shows in my Pilates practice. Got a lot more movement going on and am at the right level for now thanks to the super intelligent approach of Amits teaching. Left to my own devices I would probably swing between being far too reckless and ambitious and then grinding to a halt having gone too fast. It would be much too erratic and frustrating. The great thing about Amits approach is that I experience the work / effort at a deep muscular level but in a range that feels safe. There is never a back step. We do a few sessions and suddenly I notice a shift and then we seem to move up  a gear and then another shift. Its very steady progress and just on the line of my patience. I know the tortoise always gets there but sometimes monkey mind gets in the way!

I spoke to Basingstoke recently as I had been having pain in my chest that corresponded with the lung jelly. Sometimes it was painful to lie on my side as it hurt to breathe. I asked if I would feel pain from something so internal and was told that it could cause irritation so potentially yes. However given that it was such a small amount on my last scan its unlikely its gone on the rampage so soon. We decided that the pain was probably attributable to  the top of the scar which takes longer to heal due to more nerve endings plus the surgery / scar had pulled me into a more kyphotic posture which wasnt helping. Since the pilates has improved my posture and I can now lift my chest the pain seems to have gone!

My weight is still improving and Im saddended to say that eating meat has helped. I dont like it but I have really noticed a difference. To people who gain their weight through a pure veggie diet, I am in awe. I kneel before you and say I am sorry to have failed the animals. I will though be going back to vegetarianism very soon and thats a promise I make to the chickens especially.

The other really easy thing to do that I will continue is protein powder in porridge every day. And protein balls made from nuts! Brilliant.

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Much fun was had at an advance celebration of my birthday on Saturday. We went for a Hollywood Glamour theme and I was Pimp Oscar for the night.

I am quite surprised at how some people have tried to take advantage of my situation, particularly in my work world. The new word for my vocabulary has to be NO and I need to learn to use it. I wonder if I have too high expectations that people will do the right thing but you have to keep believing that or become very cynical. At the same time if they are going to act selfishly I cant let it go because if they were going to do the right thing they would have done it from the get-go. Its not my job to tell someone how to behave decently but if their actions are disrespectful I may as well be direct from now on and they can either agree or get out of my life.

This is only a few people; its well outweighed by the people who continue to amaze me with their support and encouragement. People who I know must do well in their lives generally as their true nature is so kind, nurturing and positive. These people were at my party and dazzled with their sequins, feathers and beautiful souls.

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Thats exactly what Ive been asking! I think I have been in a quandary and split between getting on with life and at the same time considering concepts of boundaries, grounding, direction and purpose. Getting on with life has led to me being rather slack entering my blogosphere. But I like it here. Its a good place to ramble, dissect, moan, and ponder...all communicative efforts I like to do and usually at the expense of my friends earholes.

Since my last post I have accumulated more of myself, mainly on my belly and butt (how unfair is that?) but I am now a hefty 50.3kilos which is a particle away from 8 stone. I am halfway back! My brain however believes I am fully back and I can see myself heading towards my usual modus operandi in regards to work and relationships. I have to keep reminding myself things cant be the same. I cant let myself bear unnecssary stresses particularly those perpetuated by others. I dont know yet how I deflect the unnecessary demands of others but having preserved my life through surgery and now acupuncture and mental fortitude I am not going to squander it to lifes vampires.

So whilst dwelling on my/ in my  quandary I made some big decisions. The studio must go and will be finished at the end of July. Its a job in itself running the hire of it and keeping on top of the hirers who dont always treat it (therefore me) with respect. Cancer creates massive financial instability unless you are very fortunate. Can you say you are fortunate if you have cancer but are well off?? probably not actually but it does enable you to put your health needs at the top of the list, I imagine. I have been standing on a big swiss ball of financial instability since I was diagnosed but have spent the last few months putting things in place so as to hop off that ball and stand on firm ground.

I am taking a change of direction, slightly unknown but to where I need to be I am sure. With a simplified business I can open my mind to other possibilities and already I see new doors opening and new boundaries. Before my op I listened to a meditation cd designed to reassure you by talking you down through some steps to a happy place. hmmmm...I only listened to it when I was in bed and I fell asleep every time at the last step so I never got to see the safe happy place. The other week I tried meditating more consciously (i know that should be self defeating) and although I still cant see a place as such I suddenly found that the space in my head was a very good place to be. I am going to work on cultivating it so its there in times of need and I suppose that is the point of meditative practice. Perhaps my place is within me ....the self that is connected to the world by my existence and the self that can be no other way.

Living should be authentically orientated and authentically experienced. I thought I lived like this, like a code but I meet others who I know are in every way authentic so Im taking my inspiration from them. If I could have an ounce of the way they live in their "isness" I will be enriched. I dont know that one can ever see that in themselves though. Its a bit like beauty; its for others to say. John my acupuncturist said today there was nothing special about him; its just that he is connected to the universe. Thats why hes special and thats why he does what he does and thats why he brings what he brings to the session. The rest of us need to take our headphones off!!

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46kilos!! In old money thats 7 stone and 2 pounds...basically a bag of sugar or two. And that would be about right the amount of crap food Ive eaten. As of now Im going healthy again! Protein is the way forward so lentils and beans and maybe the odd fish. Add to that I started back with Pilates last week. Pretty basic rehab movements but you have to start somewhere and muscle building is the name of the game. I realised that I didnt lose any fat only muscle so thats what I need back. It will be an interesting year seeing how this works; both personally but also on an intellectual and professional level. How effective is pilates starting from  ground zero? I already have a better understanding of my body. And to those clients who ask why we do those painful side lying leg exercises...I can tell you why. Its so you have an inbuilt cushion to sit on.

I tried a rollback. It was like dropping off the edge of two 10 pences and cracking onto my spine. Thats what happens when you dont actually have any bum muscles worth mentioning. Its actually very uncomfortable sitting on a hard chair.

Abdominal muscles are used all the time! I knew that, but now i really Know it.

I could never feel my Psoas muscle but Ive discovered whilst trying to relieve pain when lying flat, that if I press my feet hard into the footboard it seems to release psoas which alleviates pain. Thats what I think is happening but will investigate this further as it will be useful for teaching I think.

I cant do extension as that feels a little bit like being ripped apart down my seam..might have to wait for that one a bit longer. definitely no curl ups (hernia risk) but arms and leg work all fine although light weights at the moment.

Have been thinking about authenticity in life recently and decided that what I sometimes perceive as my own laziness is actually a choice to be true to what I believe. To give an example...Im often asked about and ponder the idea of doing a dvd or clothing line. But I dont want to invest my energy there. Looking back whilst I felt guilty for not applying myself to those things I realise that the spare time I had I gave over to doing courses and being a continual learner in order to stay a good teacher. I just want to teach Pilates really well and help people realise their potential in class. I dont want to teach a class where Im preoccupied with trivia or coast because Im too tired to think about whats happening in the here and now. Maybe thats not very ambitious but thats really all I want to do. Some of those clients might have crossed over the boundary between clients and friends recently and thats a bonus I think. Ive got loyalty there and Im doing my best to get back to it as soon as poss.

On that note I need to lie down and do some pelvic tilts!

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10.20am and I dont feel pain. It will kick in but Im holding off the tramadol until necessary. I spent yesterday on the sofa reading heat magazine and eating crisps and popcorn. That has obviously done me some good...the rest part, not the junk food. The night before I had to pull over to vomit on the kerb _ I dont know why. I think my stomach doesnt empty as quick as it used to and sometimes I feel like a goose being force fed to keep my calories up. Did I mentione that the other week I had to leap off the bus to vomit on the police station! A good place for it but I hope this vomit malarkey is not becoming a regular thing! I have a feeling that motion may have set off a slightly unstable stomach each time. But I need to be able to travel otherwise I cant go anywhere or do anything. Whatever it is Im hoping its temporary!

The other week my friend Jemima took me to a vintage fair and I decided to try on a stripy little mini dress thing. The guy said use the ladies as it was quieter but when I walked in there were about 5 or 6 women chatting  and trying on clothes and I realised there was nowhere private to change. I was either going to have to flash my scar now or walk away. I dithered for abut 3 seconds then thought bugger it, Im going to have to show it one day and it truly doesnt bother me, its just sooner than I had anticipated. It turned out to be a good thing. I stripped off, no-one paid any attention, I got the teeny tiny dress on and suddenly had all these women saying it looked great! result! Felt quite good and empowered, bought the dress as an emblem of something...courage, cancer, surviving cancer, being a lollipop head...I dont know but it seemed right and I felt good!

Im glad the moment was sprung on me unexpectedly. They did that with the anaesthesia. When I went into the bright white prep room with all these surgically gowned, mostly women might I add, I was checking them out to see which one was responsible for putting me under. The women did all the talk and questions and prep and there was a quiet young man who was sat on the other side of me who introduced himself and said he was putting a canula in. I thought " you are the one to watch out for". he mentioned about giving me pre med to relax me and I said "you mean to stop me running away", then he said " a bit more pre med". The next thing I know its two days later and I'm moaning about the length of my nurses lunchbreak in ICU! (It was more than an hour!)

Very sneaky and the perfect way to anaesthetise someone. There was no counting back from ten, no proper this is the moment feeling. They just sent me off. That was a good day actually as I knew nothing, worried about nothing, said nothing. Even my mind went off for a bit! As it did during my out of body experience but more of that tomorrow!!!

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