future-perfect

That is the question on my mind today. Have a holiday abroad booked for the first time in over two years and have one plan of action only. Lying in the sun and reading and people watching. The odd cocktail might go down well too. For someone who doesnt go to hot countries very often why do I have 4 bikinis? When I had a serious six pack a bikini was a breeze, but what now? Should I expose the scar and scare the kiddies....yeah why not! Might get myself some privacy around the pool. (The truth is that my blinding white skin will be the cause of more scares and stares but that always happens when Im surrounded by the brown and golden people to whom I will never belong.) Sigh... now wheres my fake tan?

Am feeling tired with studio move, too much lifting etc and my stomach aches from the effort BUT I feel good. My body is improving all the time and it shows in my Pilates practice. Got a lot more movement going on and am at the right level for now thanks to the super intelligent approach of Amits teaching. Left to my own devices I would probably swing between being far too reckless and ambitious and then grinding to a halt having gone too fast. It would be much too erratic and frustrating. The great thing about Amits approach is that I experience the work / effort at a deep muscular level but in a range that feels safe. There is never a back step. We do a few sessions and suddenly I notice a shift and then we seem to move up  a gear and then another shift. Its very steady progress and just on the line of my patience. I know the tortoise always gets there but sometimes monkey mind gets in the way!

I spoke to Basingstoke recently as I had been having pain in my chest that corresponded with the lung jelly. Sometimes it was painful to lie on my side as it hurt to breathe. I asked if I would feel pain from something so internal and was told that it could cause irritation so potentially yes. However given that it was such a small amount on my last scan its unlikely its gone on the rampage so soon. We decided that the pain was probably attributable to  the top of the scar which takes longer to heal due to more nerve endings plus the surgery / scar had pulled me into a more kyphotic posture which wasnt helping. Since the pilates has improved my posture and I can now lift my chest the pain seems to have gone!

My weight is still improving and Im saddended to say that eating meat has helped. I dont like it but I have really noticed a difference. To people who gain their weight through a pure veggie diet, I am in awe. I kneel before you and say I am sorry to have failed the animals. I will though be going back to vegetarianism very soon and thats a promise I make to the chickens especially.

The other really easy thing to do that I will continue is protein powder in porridge every day. And protein balls made from nuts! Brilliant.

Much fun was had at an advance celebration of my birthday on Saturday. We went for a Hollywood Glamour theme and I was Pimp Oscar for the night.

I am quite surprised at how some people have tried to take advantage of my situation, particularly in my work world. The new word for my vocabulary has to be NO and I need to learn to use it. I wonder if I have too high expectations that people will do the right thing but you have to keep believing that or become very cynical. At the same time if they are going to act selfishly I cant let it go because if they were going to do the right thing they would have done it from the get-go. Its not my job to tell someone how to behave decently but if their actions are disrespectful I may as well be direct from now on and they can either agree or get out of my life.

This is only a few people; its well outweighed by the people who continue to amaze me with their support and encouragement. People who I know must do well in their lives generally as their true nature is so kind, nurturing and positive. These people were at my party and dazzled with their sequins, feathers and beautiful souls.

Thats exactly what Ive been asking! I think I have been in a quandary and split between getting on with life and at the same time considering concepts of boundaries, grounding, direction and purpose. Getting on with life has led to me being rather slack entering my blogosphere. But I like it here. Its a good place to ramble, dissect, moan, and ponder...all communicative efforts I like to do and usually at the expense of my friends earholes.

Since my last post I have accumulated more of myself, mainly on my belly and butt (how unfair is that?) but I am now a hefty 50.3kilos which is a particle away from 8 stone. I am halfway back! My brain however believes I am fully back and I can see myself heading towards my usual modus operandi in regards to work and relationships. I have to keep reminding myself things cant be the same. I cant let myself bear unnecssary stresses particularly those perpetuated by others. I dont know yet how I deflect the unnecessary demands of others but having preserved my life through surgery and now acupuncture and mental fortitude I am not going to squander it to lifes vampires.

So whilst dwelling on my/ in my  quandary I made some big decisions. The studio must go and will be finished at the end of July. Its a job in itself running the hire of it and keeping on top of the hirers who dont always treat it (therefore me) with respect. Cancer creates massive financial instability unless you are very fortunate. Can you say you are fortunate if you have cancer but are well off?? probably not actually but it does enable you to put your health needs at the top of the list, I imagine. I have been standing on a big swiss ball of financial instability since I was diagnosed but have spent the last few months putting things in place so as to hop off that ball and stand on firm ground.

I am taking a change of direction, slightly unknown but to where I need to be I am sure. With a simplified business I can open my mind to other possibilities and already I see new doors opening and new boundaries. Before my op I listened to a meditation cd designed to reassure you by talking you down through some steps to a happy place. hmmmm...I only listened to it when I was in bed and I fell asleep every time at the last step so I never got to see the safe happy place. The other week I tried meditating more consciously (i know that should be self defeating) and although I still cant see a place as such I suddenly found that the space in my head was a very good place to be. I am going to work on cultivating it so its there in times of need and I suppose that is the point of meditative practice. Perhaps my place is within me ....the self that is connected to the world by my existence and the self that can be no other way.

Living should be authentically orientated and authentically experienced. I thought I lived like this, like a code but I meet others who I know are in every way authentic so Im taking my inspiration from them. If I could have an ounce of the way they live in their "isness" I will be enriched. I dont know that one can ever see that in themselves though. Its a bit like beauty; its for others to say. John my acupuncturist said today there was nothing special about him; its just that he is connected to the universe. Thats why hes special and thats why he does what he does and thats why he brings what he brings to the session. The rest of us need to take our headphones off!!

46kilos!! In old money thats 7 stone and 2 pounds...basically a bag of sugar or two. And that would be about right the amount of crap food Ive eaten. As of now Im going healthy again! Protein is the way forward so lentils and beans and maybe the odd fish. Add to that I started back with Pilates last week. Pretty basic rehab movements but you have to start somewhere and muscle building is the name of the game. I realised that I didnt lose any fat only muscle so thats what I need back. It will be an interesting year seeing how this works; both personally but also on an intellectual and professional level. How effective is pilates starting from  ground zero? I already have a better understanding of my body. And to those clients who ask why we do those painful side lying leg exercises...I can tell you why. Its so you have an inbuilt cushion to sit on.

I tried a rollback. It was like dropping off the edge of two 10 pences and cracking onto my spine. Thats what happens when you dont actually have any bum muscles worth mentioning. Its actually very uncomfortable sitting on a hard chair.

Abdominal muscles are used all the time! I knew that, but now i really Know it.

I could never feel my Psoas muscle but Ive discovered whilst trying to relieve pain when lying flat, that if I press my feet hard into the footboard it seems to release psoas which alleviates pain. Thats what I think is happening but will investigate this further as it will be useful for teaching I think.

I cant do extension as that feels a little bit like being ripped apart down my seam..might have to wait for that one a bit longer. definitely no curl ups (hernia risk) but arms and leg work all fine although light weights at the moment.

Have been thinking about authenticity in life recently and decided that what I sometimes perceive as my own laziness is actually a choice to be true to what I believe. To give an example...Im often asked about and ponder the idea of doing a dvd or clothing line. But I dont want to invest my energy there. Looking back whilst I felt guilty for not applying myself to those things I realise that the spare time I had I gave over to doing courses and being a continual learner in order to stay a good teacher. I just want to teach Pilates really well and help people realise their potential in class. I dont want to teach a class where Im preoccupied with trivia or coast because Im too tired to think about whats happening in the here and now. Maybe thats not very ambitious but thats really all I want to do. Some of those clients might have crossed over the boundary between clients and friends recently and thats a bonus I think. Ive got loyalty there and Im doing my best to get back to it as soon as poss.

On that note I need to lie down and do some pelvic tilts!

10.20am and I dont feel pain. It will kick in but Im holding off the tramadol until necessary. I spent yesterday on the sofa reading heat magazine and eating crisps and popcorn. That has obviously done me some good...the rest part, not the junk food. The night before I had to pull over to vomit on the kerb _ I dont know why. I think my stomach doesnt empty as quick as it used to and sometimes I feel like a goose being force fed to keep my calories up. Did I mentione that the other week I had to leap off the bus to vomit on the police station! A good place for it but I hope this vomit malarkey is not becoming a regular thing! I have a feeling that motion may have set off a slightly unstable stomach each time. But I need to be able to travel otherwise I cant go anywhere or do anything. Whatever it is Im hoping its temporary!

The other week my friend Jemima took me to a vintage fair and I decided to try on a stripy little mini dress thing. The guy said use the ladies as it was quieter but when I walked in there were about 5 or 6 women chatting  and trying on clothes and I realised there was nowhere private to change. I was either going to have to flash my scar now or walk away. I dithered for abut 3 seconds then thought bugger it, Im going to have to show it one day and it truly doesnt bother me, its just sooner than I had anticipated. It turned out to be a good thing. I stripped off, no-one paid any attention, I got the teeny tiny dress on and suddenly had all these women saying it looked great! result! Felt quite good and empowered, bought the dress as an emblem of something...courage, cancer, surviving cancer, being a lollipop head...I dont know but it seemed right and I felt good!

Im glad the moment was sprung on me unexpectedly. They did that with the anaesthesia. When I went into the bright white prep room with all these surgically gowned, mostly women might I add, I was checking them out to see which one was responsible for putting me under. The women did all the talk and questions and prep and there was a quiet young man who was sat on the other side of me who introduced himself and said he was putting a canula in. I thought " you are the one to watch out for". he mentioned about giving me pre med to relax me and I said "you mean to stop me running away", then he said " a bit more pre med". The next thing I know its two days later and I'm moaning about the length of my nurses lunchbreak in ICU! (It was more than an hour!)

Very sneaky and the perfect way to anaesthetise someone. There was no counting back from ten, no proper this is the moment feeling. They just sent me off. That was a good day actually as I knew nothing, worried about nothing, said nothing. Even my mind went off for a bit! As it did during my out of body experience but more of that tomorrow!!!

I have been so hungry for a taste different to bile that I ate mouth spray!! Today I got exciting news... Oooh I'm getting clear soup jelly and ice cream for dinner tonight providing my tea stays down! They are all waiting for my bowel - I feel it. Nice young doc just came by and said sometimes eating triggers off peristalsis and that we shouldn't worry. That was 10 mins after brendan came by and said "anything?" I said no, he said "well we will wait" and off he went. My bowel has stage anxiety!

Anyway I had a few spoons of ice cream, two spoons of foul pea soup, few sips tea. Didn't have the jelly and soup was too similar to bile! Anyway my stomach & colon or some internal area is gurgling away quite so have bit more time to wait.

Just nodded off and woke myself up laughing. In my dream I had fallen off my chair and reached for my mouse and my naked bum was in the air. I was pointing at it with the mouse to say I would need to fart any moment but the cats just watched:)

YESSSSSSSSSSS! I cannot believe I am pleased about this but the first piece of good news for  a month is that I will be having the MOAS January 4th 2011! YES!

An auspicious day as thats my friend Jemimas birthday; other little sign of something mysterious and good at work is that my surgeon Brendan Moran is Irish.   Having had an Irish  mum with a malignant brain tumour that could not be entirely removed it seems appropriate to me that now a lovely gentle Irishman should remove this tumour and all its jelly and save my life. He has been the first consultant to be a proper person...asking what did we think of Widdi in Strictly? For the record its time for her to go. We've had Pepto Abismol followed by Custard and the jokes not funny any more. Pamela to win if you were wondering!!

Back to Brendan....he called me by my name (thank you), he showed me images of all the scans. Hundreds of pictures of the inside. It was fascinating then I remembered it was me and it was a bit weird; then even more fascinating!!. So vain sometimes.  I could see the mucous on the liver but basically the liver is healthy, the gall bladder was normal, the kidneys were normal, my heart I thought looked a bit small (which cant be the case surely??) but he said it looked perfectly normal. The spleen I was told would have to go...the mucous presses into it and casues scalloping. There is scalloping on the liver but they will strip the surface of it to remove mucous. I read somewhere recently that liver cells regenerate in 6 weeks....it must be one of your top organs and not to be underestimated.

To summarise they plan to do the following: hysterectomy, splenectomy, appendectomy, omentectomy, pelvic peritonectomy, stripping of the diaphragm and liver. Phew! Thats a lot of ectomys. Average operating time is 10 hrs followed by some days in Intensive Case followed by time on a ward - average hospital stay is 3 weeks. i spoke to someone who was out in two and thats what Im going to aim for. Im taking  a pilates band to tie to the bed and at least do some arm exercises - back to the origins of pilates no less!

Although Pseudo cases are one in a million 4% of these rare people get it on their lung and that includes me. I keep being in the small statistic, soon there will be a stat of one and it will be me only! I was never a group person and always preferred a 121 situation socially but this is getting ridiculous. For now the lung can wait. They have operated on two lung cases this year and those people are doing fine. However they might take  a wait and see approach. Pseudo is usually slow moving  although mine seems to be more agressive but for now it has to be one step at a time.

What I feel is that I am in the safest hands finally. I trust that Brendan and his team will be doing his utmost to remove all of it and I trust that my body will have the strength and ability to recover. There is a risk of death as with all surgery but I die if I dont.

So I say to that tumour, you might be the last cry of help from the body but youre about to be cut out, discarded and made redundant and you cannot survive without me. I say to the cancer cells and the disease, bring it on! Youre about to be stripped and boiled in hot chemo and if you continue to lurk in  microscopic  corners after Brendans attack I will  starve you of the things you thrive on. There will be no sugar, I will flood my cells with oxygen, my neurotransmitters will be sending positive messages at a cellular level, my Natural Killers will kick in and my body will be such a hostile environment that you will commit suicide. Cancer is nothing if not lazy; it doesnt even discriminate on who and its chosen the wrong body this time.